Speed Dating . . . Sigh

As the Activities Co-Chair at church, I occasionally get roped into stuff I don't want to do. Take speed dating, for instance. What a treat.

I expected the worst. No, really, I expected to leave the "event" in tears. Instead, I can safely say it wasn't that bad. But make sure you understand it wasn't really that good either.

A word-for-word account of my highlight of the evening:

Dude: Hi.

Melissa: Hi. Tell me about yourself.

Dude: I'm a spy. I spy on all sorts of stuff that would result in your death if I told you.

Melissa: Huh. Yeah, I'm a model.

Dude: Yeah, obviously. You should be a model. Look at you, you're the Bond girl and I'm Bond.

Awakward silence.

Melissa: No, really, what do you do.

Dude: I'm an artist.

Picture a flourish of the hands and a dramatic look to the sky. This is also when I realized that labeling him as a "dude" was a bit too masculine a title for him.

Melissa: Really? Art? What is your . . . um, medium?

It's just all falling apart right now.

Dude: I'm so glad you asked. I specialize in digital 3D art. It's the most inspiring work I've ever done. I've had jobs before where I can't wait for the day to be over. Now I'm wishing the day would never end! I just had my first show.

Melissa: Oh. Wow. Um . . .

Dude: It's so amazing to be able to do something with my hands . . .

Melissa: Oh. Yeah. Um . . .

Dude: Like, it's so inspiring. Because I'm an artist. I create masterpieces out of nothing. I am practically a hero.

Melissa: Yeah, I bet. Tell me about your show.

Dude: Well, we're running out of time.

He's suddenly bashful.

Melissa: We've got a second. What were they?

Dude: If you really want to know then you should email me.

This is my number one pet peeve. Do not put the ball in my court.

Melissa: Oh, well . . .

Dude: Let me give you my email address.

Melissa: Um . . .

Dude: Write my email address on your notepad and we can keep up this discussion.

Melissa: See, if I were brave, I would tell you that really I was only interested in you telling me about your "art" so that I wouldn't have to talk to you. It's much easier to appear interested than to sound interested.

Melissa: Clearly, I cannot win here.

Dude: Okay, it's [insert name]lovins@gmail.com

And this is when I looked into his beady eyes and thought to myself, I doubt you know anything about lovin. Just saying. At the end of the night, I left his email on a chair.

I couldn't help but agree when Kaylin said, "You know it's bad when you fail at speed dating."