Wake-Up Call

I tend to think of myself as a fairly likeable person and so it's always strange to me when I feel people are ambivalent to me or dislike me. Yes, I realize this is an insanely arrogant thing to say, but I guess over the years I've learned how to be sociable and while I'm not perfect, I feel like I'm pretty good at making friends.

And so it's strange to me when I go somewhere and have trouble making friends. My confidence falters and I become hyperaware of everything I say and do. Later, I berate myself for having not been better, smoother, cooler. It's like I'm back in high school again. A memory I do not treasure.

My partner for my calling at church has that effect on me. I feel completely invisible around him. He has this tendency to stare right through me. And I can see the wheels in his head turning as he's trying to figure out how long he has to talk to me before he can get away.

To be honest, it's one of the most hurtful things I've experienced in a long time. It's terrible to feel obsolete. It also irritates me to no end and yesterday, after one of these delightful excursions, I spent the rest of the day angry and my frustration trickled down to other people who have hurt me. I suddenly became one big ball of anger.

This morning I was still mad. Angry. I was even considering switching wards because do I really need to be patronized in this way? Seriously, it's not like I harrass the dude. We have a pretty big calling and I'd prefer it if we were a team rather than independent spheres circling around each other.

And then it hit me. I'm sure I have stared through people who have talked to me and have asked for my attention because I was too caught up in the other things I had to do. Or perhaps, I was thinking about the other people I wanted to talk to instead of that particular person. I am no different than this guy. I am just as guilty.

I feel a little embarrassed and humbled by my epiphany. I'm grateful for the lesson and actually feel much better. But that's irrelevant considering the task now at hand--to be more mindful of others, to be kinder. I don't really think I'm either of these things. But then, I guess that's the point.