Frankie the Freaking Wolf Spider

Picture this, it's Saturday night and Kaylin and I have just gotten back from Bear Lake. We're tired and sunburned. We want nothing more to do than stay in and veg. The good news is that Kaylin had just bought Season 3 of Veronica Mars (which, if you have never seen this show and enjoy sharp, witty dialogue, you're missing out).

Kaylin is putting the DVD in when suddenly I hear the most awful, blood-curdling scream. It rang in my ears.

And there it was, Frankie the Freaking Wolf Spider. For reals...it was scary looking. It had legs to here. I wanted it gone.

About a year ago, this guy came to my house named Karl. We called him Big Karl (I think) because he was this big brute of a guy. 6' 5", 300 pounds...massive. As he lounged on our couch I saw a massive red welt that was scabbed on his leg. Around the welt it was red as well. He said he'd been bitten by a wolf spider and had had that sore for about 2 months. Maybe he was leading me on, but all I could see when I saw Frankie the Freaking Wolf Spider was Big Karl's big welt. I couldn't get it out of my head.

I looked at Kaylin and expected her to kill it. She looked at me and expected the same thing. We were clearly at an impasse.

But Kaylin was adamant...she was not going to kill Frankie. And so the job fell to me. I wasn't thrilled at the prospect. But I grabbed a shoe and prepared for the worst.

But I couldn't do it...seriously. I stared that gigantic spider in the eye (all 8 of them) and I could not kill it. So I did what any self-respecting woman would do. No, I didn't scream, I grabbed a water bottle and planned on drowning it.

To which Kaylin replied, "Are you really going to drown it? Seriously? Why don't you just kill it with your shoe?"

Yeah, I am officially a weenie.

But I tried to rally. And I pointed that water bottle at the spider just as it ran away behind the TV and Kaylin may have screamed a little. I went on the offensive and saw it behind the TV. I bravely pointed my water bottle at it again and went to town, drenching that massive spider in water. I felt pretty satisfied it was dead until Kaylin screamed again. Frankie the Freaking Wolf Spider had run to the other side of the TV. The thing that I had been drowning? An already dead spider.

So then I decided that I needed something stronger than water--poison. Okay, I grabbed a bottle of Shout fabric cleaner and aimed to wage war on Frankie. Except that freaking wolf spider just ran off...practically skipped across the room! I got him with the "poison" and it didn't even phase him. Kaylin's screams were getting louder, by the way. I swear, Frankie was outfitted in head-to-toe armor. It actually made me a little more nervous. If he can withstand Shout fabric cleaner, what else can he endure? And yes, I realize the absolute idiocy of that statement.

Finally, I succumbed and just did what I should have done from the beginning. I grabbed my shoe. By this time Frankie was up on the wall. All I would need to do is pound my shoe really hard against the wall and bam! He'd be dead.

Except, really, knowing that he was practically made of steel, I'm sure he wouldn't be dead on the first try.

I steadied my hand and raised my shoe up.

"Don't miss, you've only got one chance," Kaylin said.

"I know!" I hissed.

Oof...I missed.

I cursed under my breath.

And then finally I had had enough. Let Frankie go down to sleep with the fishies, I thought as I slammed my shoe on the wall with force I didn't know I possessed. Like Zeus the Greek God. And I got him...finally.

I think Kaylin screamed one more time. The good news is, Frankie the Freaking Wolf Spider is dead.