Where Do You Go?

So the past few weeks have been interesting, I've learned a lot about what a softie I am. I have to admit that I tend to put up walls with people . . . if you hurt me once, I don't really forget it. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold grudges and I don't hate on people either (I guess for the most part), but I do withhold my trust once it's been broken.

I'd always wondered if because of my walls, if my natural distrust of people would stay there forever. If I was keeping myself from important relationships with people because of my fear of getting hurt. I learned recently that deep down I'm still just as wildly optimistic as I've always been. I jumped in and I thought about the possibility of getting hurt, but I didn't really believe it would happen. And yet, it did.

I'm proud of myself for stepping up and putting myself out there. I let my walls come down, even if it was only for a second. And yet, in many ways I wish I hadn't--only because it's hard to pick yourself back up. It's hard to reestablish that confidence. It's hard to believe that the future is bright and waiting for you.

I'll be honest, I don't really know where to go from here. I kind of feel like I'm constantly trying to find that place where everything makes sense, and I know it's an elusive dream but I wish that my life made more sense and that perspective was easier to come by. For a long time I've maintained that happiness comes because you choose to be happy. In fact, one of my favorite principles is taught by Elder Wirthlin in which he said that most people will not be asked to die for the Gospel; instead, they'll be asked to live for the Gospel. It's such an inspiring thought. I like the idea that what Heavenly Father asks of us is to live, to be happy, to find joy in the journey. But in many ways, the idea of finding joy and being happy are not exactly the same. I find joy in the Gospel, but I can't really say that I'm always happy. There's a difference. I think it's okay to acknowledge that.

So here I am, full of thoughts of choices and crossroads and basically wondering which way to go. I'm not sure which choice will take me where I should be. I know that I can't be led astray, but I would feel much better if I knew I was headed in the right direction. I think when you've been dealt a disappointment the best thing you can do is to move forward . . . I guess my question is, where is forward?

I was in a very similar place this past summer after I'd been laid off from my job. There was such indecision before me, I didn't know which way I should go. Luckily, I was led to a very good job, one that I am extremely grateful for in these troubled times. I hope that I continue to remain as lucky professionally because I really enjoy what I do. I guess I'm hopeful that just as I was led to a good job that has given me so much, I will be led to other good things. I guess what I'm saying is I'm tired of waiting.

I know it's pretty obvious what I'm talking about even though I can't bring myself to say the words. Funny, huh? To me, it's like a sign of weakness to admit that I'm dissatisfied, frustrated, and wondering if I will ever get to experience many of the same things that I see in my friends and family, for which I am so happy for them and yet slightly envious at the same time. I guess I'm just tired of pretending that it doesn't bother me and that I'm fine and unruffled by it all. For some reason I am blogging it, once again letting my walls down. I don't really know why. I don't really like talking about this, to be honest. But here I am, this is me. This is what I think. This is who I am.