Sharpest Crayon in the Box?

RED = Anger
Are you currently mad at someone? No.
Which of your family members has the worst temper? I'm not sure I could single one person out, we've all been known to instigate a rumble or two . . .
Have you ever thrown something at anyone? Probably, when I was a kid. But seriously, who hasn't? What? Just me?
Does your face turn red when you’re angry? Oh yeah. Once, when I was a kid, I had to have a wart removed. The pain was enough to send me into a spiral of equisite pissed off-ness. I emerged from the doctor's office ready to take my mom out for making me endure the experience. Kaylin, on the other hand, also had the same procedure done after me and was white as a sheet and subsequently passed out from the pain. I think that's a pretty strong indicator at who is the calmer of the two. Maybe I should amend the aforementioned question about who has the worst temper.
When you’re mad, do you prefer to stare angrily or yell? I tend to get really silent. I'm not trying to freeze people out but a lot of times when people make me angry I feel like my feelings are unjustified so I am constantly wrangling with overcoming the anger and hurt. I don't necessarily recommend it. Sometimes you should just get mad.

ORANGE = Excitement
Has anyone ever thrown a surprise party for you? No. Parties in my honor tend to make me kind of embarrassed. But it's definitely a nice idea.
Do you get easily excited? Oh, yeah. It's kind of embarrassing. It's usually really stupid stuff, too. Like the other day, I saw a field of purple flowers (crocuses, maybe?) on our way to the gym. It's been snowing all week and something about a little stretch of flowers just totally lit me up.
What’s something that you’re most excited about? Shadowboxing! I swear, that class has become my new obsession.
If you won a million dollars, what would be your first thought? Oh, geez, probably a family vacation somewhere really exciting, like Ohio.
If you could have anything right now, what would it be? To not fall asleep while I'm trying to read. Seriously, I'd give anything for that.

YELLOW = Self Discovery
Name: Mel to the P
Birthday: August 15
What’s your main goal in life? That's a tough one . . . I think to never become complacent. Complacency is generally the trigger to letting yourself go--personally, professionally, spiritually, emotionally. I think I'm a better person for constantly striving to accomplish new things, even if I don't accomplish them. Hey, it's the journey, right?
Do you want to have children? Yeah. But sometimes there are days I'm more okay with not having kids than others.
When do you want to die? When I've become a burden on the people I love.

GREEN = Opinions
Are you against gay marriage? Yes, but I really struggle with the decision. In some ways, it just doesn't seem fair, you know?
Lower the drinking age? Hell no! Are you kidding me? High school kids are crazy enough just trying to sneak alcohol, can you imagine if we just gave it to them practically for free?

BLUE = Love
Do you love someone? Romantically? No. But that doesn't mean I don't have many people in my life that I love.
Do you believe in love at first sight? No. I don't think real love comes from a mere glance.

PURPLE = Q & A
Q: How many beds did you lay in today? What do you say to that? Wouldn't it make you sound like the biggest skank if you said more than one?
Q:What color shirt are you wearing? Green
Q:Name one thing that you do every day. Read and think about more things to read.
Q:How much cash do you have on you right now? Meh. None. Cash is toxic for me.
Q:Look to your left. What’s there? A big mess on my desk where things are starting to pile up. I did just get a new cell phone for a work project. I hope it doesn't become a burden . . .
Q:What’s the last piece of clothing you borrowed? A hoodie from Kaylin. I kind of need to put that away.
Q:What website(s) do you visit most during the day? Oh, man: People, US Magazine, Entertainment Weekly, Fox News, CNN. I've got to stay up on my current events, you know?
Q:Do you have plants in your room? No, but I wish I did. I love plants.
Q:Does anything hurt on your body right now? My knee, a little.
Q:What city was your last taxicab ride in? Salt Lake. Long story. What a waste.
Q:Do you own a picture phone? Yes, but I think they're ridiculous. They take crappy pictures.
Q:Recent time you were really upset? Um . . . read 2 blog posts ago. I'm better now, by the way. It's amazing what writing can do to get rid of bad feelings.

PINK = Last
Person you saw: Some random co-workers. I don't know.
Movie watched in cinema: Confessions of a Shopaholic. Kinda cute.
Song you just listened to? Can't remember
Person you talked on the phone with: Jim. He's on one of my new projects.

GREY = Today
What are you doing right now? Supposedly working.
What are you doing tonight? Shadowboxing, baby! And I should fold some laundry.
What are you going to eat? I don't know. I'm sure something gloriously healthy.

BROWN = Tomorrow
Is: Friday
Goal: Attend the temple, I'm long overdue. Get to work at 7:30 a.m. so I can leave work early.
Are you going to laugh? Um, hello! Yeah, I'm going to laugh. I laugh at commercials for Flintstone chewables. That's just how I roll . . . .

Where Do You Go?

So the past few weeks have been interesting, I've learned a lot about what a softie I am. I have to admit that I tend to put up walls with people . . . if you hurt me once, I don't really forget it. Don't get me wrong, I don't hold grudges and I don't hate on people either (I guess for the most part), but I do withhold my trust once it's been broken.

I'd always wondered if because of my walls, if my natural distrust of people would stay there forever. If I was keeping myself from important relationships with people because of my fear of getting hurt. I learned recently that deep down I'm still just as wildly optimistic as I've always been. I jumped in and I thought about the possibility of getting hurt, but I didn't really believe it would happen. And yet, it did.

I'm proud of myself for stepping up and putting myself out there. I let my walls come down, even if it was only for a second. And yet, in many ways I wish I hadn't--only because it's hard to pick yourself back up. It's hard to reestablish that confidence. It's hard to believe that the future is bright and waiting for you.

I'll be honest, I don't really know where to go from here. I kind of feel like I'm constantly trying to find that place where everything makes sense, and I know it's an elusive dream but I wish that my life made more sense and that perspective was easier to come by. For a long time I've maintained that happiness comes because you choose to be happy. In fact, one of my favorite principles is taught by Elder Wirthlin in which he said that most people will not be asked to die for the Gospel; instead, they'll be asked to live for the Gospel. It's such an inspiring thought. I like the idea that what Heavenly Father asks of us is to live, to be happy, to find joy in the journey. But in many ways, the idea of finding joy and being happy are not exactly the same. I find joy in the Gospel, but I can't really say that I'm always happy. There's a difference. I think it's okay to acknowledge that.

So here I am, full of thoughts of choices and crossroads and basically wondering which way to go. I'm not sure which choice will take me where I should be. I know that I can't be led astray, but I would feel much better if I knew I was headed in the right direction. I think when you've been dealt a disappointment the best thing you can do is to move forward . . . I guess my question is, where is forward?

I was in a very similar place this past summer after I'd been laid off from my job. There was such indecision before me, I didn't know which way I should go. Luckily, I was led to a very good job, one that I am extremely grateful for in these troubled times. I hope that I continue to remain as lucky professionally because I really enjoy what I do. I guess I'm hopeful that just as I was led to a good job that has given me so much, I will be led to other good things. I guess what I'm saying is I'm tired of waiting.

I know it's pretty obvious what I'm talking about even though I can't bring myself to say the words. Funny, huh? To me, it's like a sign of weakness to admit that I'm dissatisfied, frustrated, and wondering if I will ever get to experience many of the same things that I see in my friends and family, for which I am so happy for them and yet slightly envious at the same time. I guess I'm just tired of pretending that it doesn't bother me and that I'm fine and unruffled by it all. For some reason I am blogging it, once again letting my walls down. I don't really know why. I don't really like talking about this, to be honest. But here I am, this is me. This is what I think. This is who I am.

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow I head to sunny St. George--please let it be sunny! It snowed like crazy yesterday! So much that I broke out my scarf and gloves, I thought I had put those behind for good. If the sun is really out it makes me think that I need sunglasses . . . I don't have any. Don't get the wrong idea, I'm just going for work. There's an urban planning conference that I'll be attending, now that I work in transportation I get to attend conferences about urban planning. Oh yeah.

To be honest, I had no idea how exciting it is to work in transportation. I never would have thought that would be the case. There are so many things that I get to know about regarding Salt Lake and the rest of the state. For example, they have extensive plans to expand light rail, trax, and other mass transit options. It's so cool. We went down to South Jordan to check out the end of the light rail line (an above ground subway) that they're building out by Daybreak communities. It's just one big rail right now, but since there are no homes, power lines, roads (at the moment), they can put the line down with less trouble and money. They've planned it out so that when the community does develop, the light rail line will be right there.

I also learned that they have big plans to develop a lot more retail stores in Lehi off of the freeway, over by Cabela's. If any of you are H&M fans, I hear that they have plans for an H&M to come out to Lehi. Why Lehi of all places? I have no idea. But I saw some preliminary plans and they are not messing around about their plans to develop Lehi. Of course, I'm sure those plans will be set back slightlydue to the recession, but in a few years, you know that a lot of cool things are coming our way! Also, I bet they put an H&M in Salt Lake, probably the Gateway or City Creek (the mall that the Church is building at the old Crossroads Mall). One of the things I've learned about H&M is they put a bunch in a centralized location. When I was in Boston last year, there were 2 H&Ms in a 2-block radius--I'm not kidding. The funny thing is we went to both and found completely different things in both locations. I bought clothes at both stores! I have to admit, I think H&M is cool, but it doesn't wow me, but there are some people who LOVE that place. They'll drive to Vegas just to shop there. They might be happy to know that it will eventually make its way out here.

Yesterday I learned that my old job just had another wave of layoffs. Personally, I think it's asinine that they chose this particular moment to do that. I think the people who run that non-profit are absolutely heartless . . . but hey, I'm not bitter, am I? But in spite of my hard feelings toward the Foundation, I must admit that I am so grateful I lost my job when I did. I knew at the time of my layoff that it was probably for the best. In retrospect, I couldn't have lost my job at a more perfect time. I found a job that I am really loving . . . it's not perfect, but I am learning so much and getting to do so many things that I like. It's not restricted to just one thing. I am sorry for my friends at the Foundation and hope they find work soon and are able to support their families. Good luck to all of them!

Lucky

Don't think I'm vain because a lot of these pictures are of me mugging for the camera. I've been feeling slightly uninspired when it comes to taking pictures, and even more, uploading them onto my computer. And a lot of my blog posts have been from work lately which is why they've been the random rantings of a person confined to work. Anyway, I'm glad for the good friends in my life, some are pictured, some are not. I'm glad for the fun that I have and moments of clarity and introspection. So lucky!